Some good old bubbly soap

Flipping through the channels today, I stumbled across the “Bold and the Beautiful”. I was curious. I hadn’t watched “The Bold” since Taylor came back from the dead. For some reason, I no longer bought into the whole thing after that.  But as I watched, there was something strangely familiar and comforting about it. Like catching up with a dear old friend over coffee.

Ridge and Brooke were still having the same conversation…something to do with Taylor and her jealousy. (In a couple of years the conversation will remain the same, but the players will just be reversed- you see, Taylor and Brooke periodically switch roles as Ridge’s wife) 

Scary-looking Hunter Tylo

The only things that had changed were the appearances of some of the characters. Ridge’s jawbones seem even more chiseled, if that’s even possible! And Taylor, well Taylor, she looks like a pale flap of skin stretched across a pair of cheekbones and lips. There’s something very alarming about Hunter Tylo’s appearance, it’s unsettling, and certainly a far cry from the big haired beauty that minced across our screens in the eighties. 

 

I then flipped to “Days of our Lives”, which I confess, was always my favorite. Who can forget the iconic storyline of Marlena’s demon possession, or the evil machinations of Stephano DiMero controlling some or other character with brain washing or hypnosis, not to mention this storyline:

“Roman was "killed" during the Salem Stalker Murders in 2004. Of course, Roman wasn't really dead. He lived on the island of Melaswen (New Salem) with every other victim from the Salem Stalker Murders, including Marlena. Eventually, other Salemites arrived on the island, trying to find their "dead" loved ones” - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Roman_Brady

There’s no denying it, soapies boast the most incredible, most absurd, most utterly downright ridiculous storylines OF ALL TIME! ….but you just can’t help watching them.

Check out this website for some other gems:

http://www.worldsstrangest.com/mental-floss/the-quick-10-10-really-bizarre-soap-opera-plots/

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About food

I don’t like pretentious foodies who think that a dark chocolate, citrus infused pigeon is a good idea!

I have a strict policy, I DO NOT eat at restaurants that serve saffron anything, or have the words “Balsamic reduction” on their menu. I find this kind of cooking disdainfully avant-garde. Yes, yes, I’m a pleb. I have the palette of a Neanderthal. I like baked potato and steak, or a simple tomato based pasta. I do not appreciate food like this:

Ahi Tuna Nicoise: A deconstructed Nicoise salad, with duck-fat fried potato at the bottom of the tuna, quail eggs cooked at 3 different temperatures for three hours (WHY?) with picketed shallots and a white anchovy romesco sause.

I want to draw your attention to this website, about AnQi restaurant. http://stuffycheaks.blogspot.com/2011/02/16-course-molecular-gastronomy-tasting.html

It shows a 16 course molecular-gastronomy-tasting menu (I’ll come back to that molecular gastronomy part in a paragraph or two). After reading through their menu, I feel I need to ask the chef a few questions:

1.     What in the name of normalcy is a sweet & sour tangerine veil?

2.     What, pray tell, is bacon dust?

3.     And who on this holy earth mixes compressed watermelon, mango 'egg yolk' and dehydrated capers?

Would you eat this?

Is this the whole meal?

As promised, lets take a look at that phrase, “Molecular Gastronomy”. What an elitist, pretentious wank! Here, they describe this new way of cooking as a “whole new emotional and sensory experience”, serving dishes such as crab ice cream and snail porridge. If I was served snail porridge, I guarantee I’d definitely have a whole new emotional experience (it wouldn’t be good)! Other treats include Smoked eel, blood orange “zest”, black radish, and chicken skin. And what’s with all these “inverted commas”? What do they mean?

I have another strict restaurant policy; I also don’t eat at restaurants called, “The singing avocado” or “The blue orange”. Names like this just confuse me. No, I eat at simple restaurants, ones with self- explanatory names, like “the Meat Company”, “The Punjab chicken King” or “Jimmy’s killer prawns”. No confusion there! You know exactly what you’re getting. And you can be sure their menu’s do not boast Smoked Reindeer, smothered in a Spicy emulsion of fois gras and jasmine infused rice, floating gracefully down a babbling brook of balsamic reduction, shrouded in a veil of tart strawberry foam, nestled in a pillow of aromatic anchovy soufflé and sprinkled with a fine pork rind dust. 

 

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I’M NUTS FOR REALITY TV!

I can’t help it. Yes, I know what some of you (our distinguished writers and critics) are thinking… “Reality TV is deplorable, unintelligible drivel.” But to me, it’s my warm and happy joy at the end of a long day.

There’s nothing better than nestling in with an episode of “Big Rich Texas”. Nothing better than watching Bonnie, Kayla, DeAynni, Whitney, Amber and Shaye, flounce across the perfectly manicure laws of the country club, taking their perfectly manicured claws out at every opportunity – usually at some grand champagne and hors d'oeuvres laden society event. Delicious!

But my absolute favorite - NAY, the best gosh darn TV ever created – has to be… “Jerseylicious”. Who can forget the gripping, parking lot scuffle with Olivia Blois Sharpe and Tracy DiMarco? Where spit and split ends flew! And who can forget the sweet retaliation that followed, when Olivia kicked Tracy in the head. Yes, in the head. Glorious TV! In fact, “Jerseylicious” is such great TV; one can even turn down the volume and still be entertained.

You’d see the rather “robust” Tracy DiMarco – the byproduct of the union between a disco ball and tanning bed – gesticulating wildly with nails that could easily pop out an eyeball. One would also see guido Filippo Giove exposing his unnaturally orange eight-pack in public. And my favorite, Olivia, purveyor of the Smokey eye, animal printed and draped across beau Mikey Aktari, a man who isn’t afraid to tweeze his eyebrows and glisten with body oil. (A side note – I love how every bride that walks out of the Gatsby Salon is doomed to walk down the aisle with a Smokey eye)  All I can say is, I love you The Style Network. 

Tracy

Filippo

Olivia and Mikey

But lets not forget Discovery’s new TLC channel. “Too fat for fifteen” and “Extreme Couponing” have become my staple. What informative shows – they’ve taught me that being fat in America is cheap and easy, all you need to do is scrounge through your neighbour’s dustbin for coupons, obsessively collect, clip and file them alphabetically, and record all the products and their respective prices in your local grocery store by isle – Nothing to it.

Every junkie can pinpoint the start of their addiction, the first fix that got them hooked. And for me, it was “The Bachelor and Bachelorette”. Those rose ceremonies are so moving, and I sincerely wish Jake Pavelka and Vienna Girardi the best. May your life together be filled with love, laughter and… (Oops, they’re already over) Well, then I wish Ali Fedotowsky and Roberto Martinez the absolute best… (Oh, over too)

Sjoe! I’m really surprised; who would have thought you couldn’t find lasting and eternal love in front of a camera crew? 

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